FF7 Outtakes
by Lone Dragon
Summary: Semi revised, the next part of the disk. Read for a laugh


  
  
Ok, I'm still not quite done with this disk. I'm really sorry, but school is kicking my ass in homework and finals. The next time I post,   
it will be the end of this disk. Please bear with me here, people. I hear-by dedicate this fic to my bird, Cloud, who died about a month ago. ;_; I miss ya buddy.  
  
Warning! Spoilers ahead!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7! Don't sue me, all you'll get are a few pennies!  
  
********************Disk 1**************************  
  
Opening movie plays and train pulls into the port. Two Shin-Ra guards are standing guard as Jessie and Biggs take   
them out. Barret gets off and looks up. Cloud starts to do his cool dismount, only he twists his wrist wrong and   
falls off instead, landing straight on his butt. Laughter is heard off and on the set. Even Barret is cracking a   
smile.  
  
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Everyone is standing outside one of the many doors that must be unlocked electronically.   
  
Biggs: Unlocked  
  
Jessie:.....Um, I forgot the password. Give me a minute.  
  
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Cloud finished arming the bomb and is headed back up. Jessie of course has her foot stuck in the metal floor.   
Cloud frees her, only to have her step on his fingers.  
  
Cloud: Yeeee-OUCH!!!  
  
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The reactor is set to blow and everyone is running. Jessie trips, only she sticks her foot out and brings Cloud down  
with her.  
  
Cloud: Do you just hate me or what?  
  
Jessie: :Grins:  
  
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*Scene changes to the slums of Midger. Aeris is calmly walking along until someone knocks her down. She  
jumps up, throws down her basket of flowers, and chases the guy.  
  
Aeris: BITCH GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud walks by on cue and starts laughing  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Aeris: Sir, would you like to buy a flower?  
  
Cloud: Well, I'm kinda in a hurry....  
  
Aeris gives Cloud a death-glare  
  
Cloud: (meekly) Yes ma'am  
  
Aeris: Good that'll be one gil....  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*Cloud is running from the squads of Shin-Ra guards and reaches the edge of the ledge.  
  
Cloud: I don't have time to be playing with you clowns.  
  
He then turns and jumps off the ledge....only to be a few seconds behind the train. A loud WHUMP is  
heard and Cloud is laying facedown in the tracks.  
  
Cloud: (muffled) I'm ok!  
  
TAKE 2  
  
Cloud turns and jumps off the ledge and lands on the train. He wobbles a bit, but stands up and turns to the   
soldiers and spits his tongue out.  
  
Cloud: Nyah nyah nyah!!  
  
Someone off set: LOOK OUT!!  
  
Cloud turns around to see a tunnel coming up for the train.   
  
Cloud: Oh, sh--  
  
WHAM!!  
  
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*The group has exited the train and is getting out. Wedge comes out with his butt on fire, and Cloud comes  
running out with his hair on fire.  
  
"FLAMMABLE HAIR GEL!!!!!!!!!!" Cloud screams. Sephiroth is shown off screen laughing his ass off.  
  
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*Cloud goes into Tifa's "Seventh Heaven" and talks to Tifa. Marlene is hiding   
behind Tifa's knee. Marlene peeks out to see Cloud standing right in front of  
her.   
  
Cloud: BOO!!  
  
Marlene: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! : Faints:  
  
*Barret rushes in.  
  
Barret: "What the hell happened!?" Cloud is too busy laughing to answer.  
  
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*After the night of rest at the bar, Cloud is ready to go and Barret is asking Cloud about materia.   
  
"So tell me how it works." Barret says.  
  
Cloud blinks a couple times and grins sheepishly.   
  
"It would help if I knew myself." He says.  
  
Sephiroth walks onto stage and hands a script to Cloud.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Everyone is on the train as it pulls out of the station. Tifa looks around and realizes that they are missing one person.  
  
"Where's Wedge?" she asks.  
  
"WAIT FOR ME!!!" Wedge yells as he chases the train.  
  
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*All the passengers clear out of the train car as AVALANCE gets on. Barret sits down in one of the seat, only to have it collapse on him.  
  
Barret: "Cheap piece of crap."  
  
Cloud and Tifa are laughing so hard; they both fall on the ground.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*AVALANCE has gotten into the reactor only to come face to face with the President.  
  
Barret: "What do ya mean dinner?! I got a lot of other things to say to--"  
  
The giant robot comes flying onto the set, totally mowing down Barret. A stagehand holding a remote control quickly puts it behind his  
back.  
  
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*Cloud is plummeting through the air, towards Aeris's church. He is ready to hit the roof, so it can collapse and he can land on the  
flowers. Just one problem. The roof doesn't collapse.   
  
SPLAT  
  
Cloud: ".....Aw, dammit all. I'll bet you make me do that over."  
  
  
Take 2  
  
*Cloud is plummeting again, only the roof has been conveniently removed this time. Too bad Aeris  
wasn't.  
  
WHAM!  
  
Cloud: "Screw this! You can just find another dumb blonde for this!"   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
*Aeris and Cloud are jumping from roof to roof after escaping the church. Cloud is pretty much leaving Aeris.  
  
Aeris: "Wait U......"  
  
*Cloud turns around to see Aeris fall off one of the buildings. After staring for a moment, the whole set starts  
cracking up.   
  
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*Cloud, Barret, and Tifa are on the plate, watching Tseng on the helecopter with Aeris.  
  
Aeris: "Don't worry Tifa, she's safe"  
  
Tseng: "Shut up!"   
  
He smacks Aeris, but Aeris is too close to the edge of the helecopter. She falls.  
  
Aeris: "TTTSSSEEEENNNNGGG YYYYOOUUUU BBBAAASSSTTAAARDDD................."  
  
*Tseng smacks himself.  
  
Tseng: "I'm never gonna hear the end of this one..."  
  
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*Barret, Cloud, and Tifa are swinging out of Sector 7 on the cable. The cable starts to groan from the weight.  
  
Cloud: "Dammit Barret, if we make it out of here, you're going on a damned diet!"  
  
Barret: "Shut yo damn mouth ya spikey haired jackass!"  
  
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*Cloud and the others have gotten into the Shinra building. Cloud makes it past the guards by hiding  
behind the statues. He motions for Barret to come.   
  
Barret runs to the first statue and freezes. The two guards see the statue he is behind. They also  
see Barret's stomach and back sticking out on both sides of it.  
  
The guards and Cloud just die laughing.  
  
Barret: "The hell?"  
  
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*Red XIII is growling at Aeris in the test tube. Hojo runs up to examine the tube. Red jumps at Hojo, but the  
glass door has been shut after it was opened. Poor Red almost broke the glass with his head.  
  
Mysterious Voice: "Mwaahahahahah"  
  
Cloud: "I know that voice, it's Yuffie!"  
  
*Yuffie is standing in the control room, laughing. She sees that she has been seen, and tears out of the room.  
  
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*Cloud is riding the motorcycle out of the Shinra Building in one of the coolest movies in the whole game. He rides right   
through the spotlights and off the bridge. He lands and picks up speed. The truck unfortunately, is going too fast and its shadow  
is right on Cloud. Cloud looks down and sees it.  
  
Cloud: :Sigh: "I knew this would happen."  
  
*The truck squishes him.  
  
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*The motorcycle trip is over. Cloud squeals to a halt as the giant metal thing comes up too fast behind him. Cloud looks behind him,  
and sighs again.  
  
Cloud: "I swear if I'm not getting paid extra, the director is getting this Buster Sword up his ass."  
  
*WHAM*  
  
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*The gang is sliding down the rope and out of Sector 7. All of them are sliding down the rope when it starts to shake violently. They   
look up and see Yuffie shaking the rope. Red falls, along with Tifa, Barret, and Cloud. Aeris is left looking up at Yuffie. Yuffie   
grins and pulls out some hedge clippers.   
  
Yuffie: "Snip snip"  
  
Aeris tries to slide down, but is too late. Yuffie cuts the rope. Aeris falls, again, and lands on Barret. Looking up, she shakes her  
fist at Yuffie.  
  
Aeris: "I swear I will get you for this!"  
  
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*Everyone is in Kalm and Cloud is telling his story. Right in the middle of it, a bare naked Zack goes streaking by. Cloud and the others  
have their jaws open and eyes wide. Zack runs offstage and puts a towel on. Blushing, he walks up to Sephiroth and holds his hand  
out.  
  
Zack: "Ok, I did it. Now give me my 100."  
  
Sephy grumbles and fishes out a wad of bills and hands them to Zack. He looks over at the group and grins.  
  
Sephiroth: "Oh come on... that was getting waaay to boring."  
  
Aeris: "Tifa, you can stop drooling now."  
  
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*Cloud, Red and Aeris are passing through the cave and see the giant snake impaled on a big stick.  
  
Cloud: "Did Sephiroth do this?"  
  
Red: "It's a power we should respect."  
  
Aeris: "Our enemy is someone who can do.."  
  
*The big cardboard prop of an impaled snake blows over with a sudden breeze.  
  
Red: "Good God. Can you people get any cheaper?"  
  
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*Cloud, Aeris, and Red are lost, I mean "exploring" the caves. Rude and Elena are talking to Cloud and our heroes  
assume a fighting stance. Red sticks his tail straight up and shakes it. But it's just a tad too close to Cloud. His hair once again  
goes up in smoke.  
  
Cloud: "OOOOHHHH SSSHHHHIIIITTTT!!!  
  
Zach, Sephiroth, and Yuffie are shown offscreen laughing their heads off again.  
  
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*The gang has came to Junon. After walking around, they walk down to the docks. The little girl is talking to her dolphin.   
  
Priscilla: "My name is......Pri-scil-la. Now you say it."   
  
*Zack stands up.   
  
Zack: "That has to be THE stupidest line of this whole game. Good lord, do you really think that the dolphin will respond? I mean,  
come on............."  
  
*The rest of the cast stands still and watches him rant and rave.  
  
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*Priscilla has been knocked down into the water. Cloud and the others stand in the water, about to fight. Just then, a strange sound  
is made by Cloud. Everyone turns to see bubbles rising up from where Cloud is.  
  
Aeris: "Cloud, did you just fart?"  
  
Cloud: (blushing) "No!"  
  
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*After beating the boss in the water, Cloud rushes the little girl over to shore and talks to the old man about CPR. Cloud turns around  
to try it out, but Tifa is lying where the girl is supposed to be.  
  
Tifa: "Come on, save me Cloud."  
  
Aeris: "Oh, grow up, Tifa."  
  
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End file.
